I spent a lot of time in therapy. Trying different meds. Thought I was doing good till my dads father got real ill. I loved grandpa so much and I just couldnt deal with it anymore so I over dosed on my meds.

I remember falling down in the bathroom, and waking up in the hospital I have a vague memory of being told to drink charcoal and that it didn't stay down. And then having a tube put down my nose. I don't remember the few days after.

Not long after that my grandpa passed away.

Something I didn't mention before. During my first hospital stay my moms dad passed away.
9-29-2000 since that day I have blamed myself .. Maybe if I hadn't tried to kill myself he would still be here with me.

I know in my heart that isn't true, but at times my head plays tricks on me and I beat myself up for it.

I started smoking cigarettes, and drinking a lot of vodka in the last 4+ years.

The day I started this blog I decided that it was time to come clean and get clean.

Today I have gone out to smoke 3 times hoping tomorrow I will not smoke at all. I am using the electronic smokes they don't taste the same but have the nicotine that i crave.

Starting tomorrow I will not have another drink.

I have to do this for myself and my animals..

With the drinking it makes the depression so much worse when I get in that state. No matter if it lasts a few hours or a few days. The last time a week ago I lost it big time and did some damage I can't do that anymore.

I am now on cymbalta and it has helped tons. I don't cut myself like I used to though it does still happen once or twice a year.

As of now I plan on updating once a week with how things are going.