So I haven't posted anything in a month.

I am not drinking which is great. I might have a drink or two when at a friends but that is it.

Back in march I got really sick with phneumonia, I have never had it before. It started with a dry cough a few days earlier. Two days later I had a temp of 102.5 it wou,d go away with meds but come right back. I finally went to the dr and got meds an antibiotic that cost a lot along with cough syrup and inhaler. It really knocked me on my ass. I never want to go threw that again. I spent all my time sleeping. I didn't smoke for a good 2 weeks.

I have started smoking again though. I tried the electronic smokes but I really didnt like them at all. And started smoking again

Yesterday the 10th was my 29th birthday. I can't believe I have made it this far but I am happy to have.

I have cut a few times though my ankle looks like hell. It has mostly been when it was snowing. I have been so sick of snow I want to work my horses.

The last few days the snow has gone the weather is nice now just to get on and work them

This week I am taking care of a friends barn doing feedings am and pm and turnin and out while she is in florida enjoying the weather.

I have also reconnected with a good friend who I hadn't talked to in 6 years. Went to her place a few weeks ago to see her horse and one she helped rescue who has problems. I will be going up to see her again the end of the week.

Well I think that is all for my update.

Week 2

Well we are at week 2.

I have had a few smokes a day since Thursday. At the most 4 a day.

I had 1 beer Sunday with friends that was it. So I am doing good on that one.

I have been slightly depressed the last 2 days. I am so sick of the snow.

Since last month I have been working on a business plan to buy a B&B in north carolina, at this time I have stopped with that plan. I am going to take the offer my mom put out about having an indoor built here. Working on getting in a training horse or two and start making a name for myself here. And if in a few years the B&B is for sale look into it again. I would to have a 75x100 Indoor.

Well that is it for now.

Week 1

Well this is my week one update.

I have not had a single drink in a week. It has been so hard to not go to the store and buy some vodka. I have been sleeping most of the week. Easier to deal with the withdrawal symptoms that way.

On the smoking front it has been going better then expected. Haven't had a smoke in 2 days. The other 5 days though I did have half a cigarette but that was it.

People have just been getting on my nerves so much. And not being able to go out for a smoke when I have had enough is hard.

I spent a lot of time in therapy. Trying different meds. Thought I was doing good till my dads father got real ill. I loved grandpa so much and I just couldnt deal with it anymore so I over dosed on my meds.

I remember falling down in the bathroom, and waking up in the hospital I have a vague memory of being told to drink charcoal and that it didn't stay down. And then having a tube put down my nose. I don't remember the few days after.

Not long after that my grandpa passed away.

Something I didn't mention before. During my first hospital stay my moms dad passed away.
9-29-2000 since that day I have blamed myself .. Maybe if I hadn't tried to kill myself he would still be here with me.

I know in my heart that isn't true, but at times my head plays tricks on me and I beat myself up for it.

I started smoking cigarettes, and drinking a lot of vodka in the last 4+ years.

The day I started this blog I decided that it was time to come clean and get clean.

Today I have gone out to smoke 3 times hoping tomorrow I will not smoke at all. I am using the electronic smokes they don't taste the same but have the nicotine that i crave.

Starting tomorrow I will not have another drink.

I have to do this for myself and my animals..

With the drinking it makes the depression so much worse when I get in that state. No matter if it lasts a few hours or a few days. The last time a week ago I lost it big time and did some damage I can't do that anymore.

I am now on cymbalta and it has helped tons. I don't cut myself like I used to though it does still happen once or twice a year.

As of now I plan on updating once a week with how things are going.

I had been out of the hospital for a bit. I had found a coucelor and someeone to get my meds from. I had been talking to the counselor for some time when I mentioned that I was having urges to cut. I did not want to kill myself at all. Well she freaked out, would not let me go home called my parents and had them drive me to the hospital. If we did not get there be a certain time they would send the police to take me in..

We get to the hospital where they stick me in a room with some old lady the place smelled like piss. At that point I started to freak out. It was bringing back to many memories of my childhood. I started pacing the hall everyone was too busy to sign me in. Yet I wasn't allowed to leave They finally stuck me and my mom in a confrance room. A few hours later a nurse and dr come in. I had had enough they wanted to check me over and I lost it I put my feet on the table and pushed the table over at the nurse and dr. That got me put in the padded room security had to come and take me there I threw my shoes at them.. I was left alone there for god knows how long. I refused to eat or drink anything. At some point they came back telling me I was being transferred to a place called spring harbor i was now under a 72 hour hold and committed by a judge.

I spent 3 days there. I kept telling the dr that I did not want to kill myself that I just wanted to cut. At the end of the 3 days the dr didn't know why a judge would comite me and signed me out.

The beginning

b>For as long as I can remember I have had strong feelings of sadness and despair.

The first time I hurt myself on purpose I remember I was in 6th grade. I was having trouble with other kids and just started scratching the back of my hand till it bled. It wasn't an all the time thing no one ever noticed what I was doing.

By the time I hit freshman year in high school I was cutting my wrists or upper arms and trying to hide it from everyone. It was at a point where I was wearing wrist braces telling people I had carpul tunnel. That worked for that year.

Sophomore year someone noticed my wrists and told a teacher. I was then sent to counciling where I was not about to talk at all. I didn't trust people to keep their word on not talking about me. That lasted a year.

The last 2 years of high school were hard i didn't like a lot of people and really hated all my teachers a few of them didn't think I would make anything of myself and told that to my face. I figured might as well prove them right.

I graduated high school and by that time had been self injuring for 7 years before things really hit the shit fan.

In the fall of 2000 I went away to college I didn't want to go but went to make my parents happy. After just a few weeks into the first semester I hit bottom and tried to kill myself. I cut my wrists pretty bad and ended up in the hospital.

I spent a week in a psych ward out of state I mostly stayed in my room and just shut down the only thing I would eat was plain crackers. That is where I met Will Denis he got me out of shell. He had his own issues but wanted so much to help me. He cow,d read me like a book knew from the first time he saw me that I did not like people touching me. One day he wrote me a letter that before I left he wanted a hug. We were so much alike I could also read him. I was able to keep him calm when he was going to explode he let me sit in silence when i didn't want to talk. The day I found out I was being transferred closer to home was the same day I was to leave. I gave him a huge hug something I have not done since.

I spent another 5 weeks at the hospital closer to home. During that time my mothers father died of a heart attack. I will get into that more later. I would call Will a few times a week some days he wouldn't be able to come to the phone as he had lost control and ended up in solitary. He had been my rock threw some hard times. 10 years later I still think of him. Wonder what happened to him. We talked till about Xmas that year then I lost touch with him.